Darius

It's funny....I just read my previous blog and it brought tears to my eyes. Everything I wrote is so true. Yet, it's so hard to take those thoughts and make them happen. It's been a rough week. We just found out that Darius, our 7 year old silver tabby cat, is diabetic. This news is just devastating and I have to push back tears as I write this. Since Darius' diagnosis (a week ago), I've just been so sad. We've had a diabetic cat before and they are definitely not easy to manage. Plus, Darius is so much younger and stronger. I think he will be okay. Once we get his blood sugars regulated (and I honestly believe this will happen!), I think he will be okay. I'm not plagued with thoughts of him dying from this...I know he can beat this and be healthy. He's a fighter and I love him so much. Yet, having to deal with this is hard because it's bringing back so many memories of our other kitty who eventually passed from the disease. It's just hard...



But, it's not just Darius. I think it's just a little bit of everything right now. Perhaps it's the Holidays. I'm not sure. I'm just sad. I'm depressed and anxious. I haven't worked out in almost three weeks. That's TERRIBLE. I injured myself and that threw me off schedule...and now I've completely fallen off track. While I know I need to start working out again, I just don't have the motivation. I just don't care. I hate when I don't care. :(

So, I'm just trying to push through.

So many dreams, so far out of reach, yet so near. I just need to find my strength again. I know it's there. I think I've just buried myself again...so I guess I need to start digging. More soon.

The Important Things

Sometimes, I think we all forget about the frailty of life. We kiss our loved ones goodbye for the day, expecting them to walk through the door that night. We hang up the phone with our parents, perhaps a bit annoyed, and think we'll just talk to them tomorrow. We put off our dreams because there's not enough time in our day or our lives are just too busy. We depend on tomorrow, next week, next year. We become so adjusted to everyday living that we forget how short life really is and, to me, that's really scary. It's also something that I've been thinking a lot about.

I admit it, I am one of those people. I always say that I will do something "later." I put my dreams on hold. I don't love the way that I should. I don't see my friends as much as I should. I spend entirely too much time alone confined in my own world and not LIVING life as it should be lived.

For as long as I can remember, I've always said that I've been paralyzed by fear. Fear freezes my heart and my mind. Fear prevents me from doing things that I know I should do. Fear immobilizes me and it's entirely frustrating. I went to counseling for about a year, but then put that on hiatus around April of this year. I should probably go back. But, I started feeling like I was just repeating the same things: how, ultimately, I am AFRAID TO LIVE. Of course, the question always came up: "Why are you afraid to live? What is it that you are so afraid of?". The answer to that question always remained the same: "FAILURE."

In my mind, I equate not trying to succeeding when this is totally false. If I don't try then I can't fail, right? That's so wrong! By not trying I am, in a sense, failing.I'm failing to live. Failing to achieve. Failing to dream. So, the question then becomes how do I learn to try without feeling like I will always fail? I still don't know the answer to that question and perhaps it is something that I should explore again.

Lately, it just seems that life has become incredibly scary. Getting older is absolutely petrifying me. The changes I'm seeing are just unreal. And I wonder if I already feel this way, how will I feel in five or ten years? But then I ask myself why am I worrying about *that* now? The future has absolutely no guarantee. The only thing we are guaranteed is the moment- here and now. I think that we, as a whole, forget that. I know that I forget that. So, what does all of this mean for me? How can I make the changes I know I need to make? How can I release some of the fear and reach harder for my dreams? How can I learn to really LIVE my life?

I don't have the answers to those questions, but I am going to start really thinking about the important things in life. I don't want missed opportunities. I don't want to regret not doing something because of fear or finances. Yes, money is always a factor, but I can't be so obsessed with that that it prevents me from something that money cannot buy: a memorable moment that will stay with me for the rest of my life. The truth is, it is those moments that really make us who we are. It is those moments that make us fulfilled and happy. It is those moments that we should strive to feel every single day of our life.

I know people who are so incredibly optimistic. People who have faced challenges that I cannot even begin to imagine, yet their optimism and faith (whatever that may be) never faltered. And you know what? These amazing people are even STRONGER now. I see strength in so many of my friends and I am always in awe of their will to do better, live better, achieve more. I've never been one of those people. I've always been the negative, depressed, pessimistic girl in the room. I don't want to be that girl anymore. I've spend entirely too long being that person. I have improved a lot over the years, but I am nowhere near where I would like to be. I need to find the strength inside the core of my being. It's there somewhere, I know that. It's just waiting to be unleashed, unveiled.

The truth is, there is nothing that I can do about my past. Nothing at all. However, I can do something about my future. I can love better, live more, and learn to cherish every single moment that I am here. Every breath I take is a gift, a true gift,and I want to remember that. I need to remember that. My dreams are always with me and, yes, I need to focus more on my dreams and stop uses excused from my past. Stop worrying about failure by default and TRY.

Today is all we have. This very moment. This very breath. I'm going to do what makes me happy when I can. Work when I need to. Love with all that I am. Focus on my dreams. Smile. And fly.

Here Comes The Rain

Tonight my heart is overflowing with such sadness and I don't know why. Today was just a bad day. Today reminded me of how hard it is to live with depression and anxiety. I've been pretty good lately; in fact, I'd say that the better days definitely out number the bad days and that is amazing. Then a day like today happens and I'm just reminded of everything: guilt, failure to achieve, low confidence, fear. All of those horrible and negative emotions that just squander my spirit and make me feel so incredibly broken. So broken.

I cannot pinpoint a trigger for these feelings, but I had a dream last night that probably didn't help much. I dreamed that I was going back to CSI and I was so nervous about it. I wanted to do it, but the fear was still there. I remember talking to Vanessa on the phone and she was nice and excited to have me back. I remember thinking of how I would have to be trained in so much again and I became so overwhelmed with anxiety. When I work up my entire body was just tense and my breathing was rapid and shallow. I was so happy it was a dream! I don't miss those feelings being there. But I miss so much about the job and that's why it's so hard. Four years ago next month. I can't believe that much time has passed. True, I didn't leave until late 07, but it just feels like yesterday. The feelings are still so raw. So real. So, tonight when I got home, I was thinking about that dream and I just sort of lost it. I cried for the first time in a long while. I can't remember the last time I felt so accomplished. I haven't felt that since then and it hurts and it's sad and I feel like I am just such a disappointment. A disappointment to who? To myself.

In truth, I could write so much about that time in my life, but I don't see the point. I think, right now, it would only bring more pain and disappointment so instead I will focus on something else: my health! So, I got home and cried. Then I gathered myself and made a very conscious decision: I could sit here and cry or I could get up and go work out. So, I laced up my tennis shoes and worked out for an hour. That's not to say that I didn't cry some during the workout,but I did get a lot of those emotions and feelings released. It was a good thing.

So, right now, I'm getting ready to go to sleep. Sleep sounds rather inviting. One more day of work then I have my three days off. Finally. :) And I've got to make my decision about LA soon too. Anyhow. That's really all for now. My eyes just got really heavy.

Here's hoping to good dreams tonight.

Challenges

I had to furlough from work today, but that worked out for the best. Why? Because last night was our first storm of the season and it rained almost all day today. It was so beautiful and refreshing. There is nothing quite like the rain to calm the nerves and soothe the soul. I needed that today.

Things have been pretty good lately! I really can't complain. :) I'm still working out, but I admit, I do go through dips of being very unmotivated. I think that comes from the fact that I am feeling somewhat discouraged. Discouraged because I've definitely hit that plateau and I need to increase my workouts. I'm doing it. Slowly. Tonight I did a great workout. 60 minutes total, 30 on the elliptical and 30 strength training. Felt great when I was done! I so did not want to work out,but I made myself! So glad that I did.

I've decided that I'm going to give myself a personal challenge every month. A challenge that means something to me and it's going to be health/exercise related. For example, this month I decided that I wouldn't have any fast food or soda. It's day 24 and I'm going great! I don't really miss the fast food. I thought that I would go through Taco Bell withdrawals, but I'm doing good! Restaurants didn't count in this challenge, it was purely fast food restaurants (essentially, anything with a drive thru!). The soda challenge has been a little tough, but that's because I enjoy Pepsi. By no means am I a soda addict, but Pepsi is my soda of choice. I don't drink a lot of it anyway (at 150 calories a can, I have to really be craving one!), but I do miss it. I will definitely be drinking a Pepsi on November 1st! It's good to challenge myself like this and one thing I know about myself is that I *won't* give in! I pride myself on my self control. I don't have food issues and for that, I am thankful. Once I put my mind to something, that's usually it!

Not sure what my challenge will be next month, but I'm leaning towards no meat. That one will be hard because I don't eat a lot of meat anyway, but I do eat chicken. I'm thinking this would be a good challenge because it will truly test me and give me an idea of whether or not I might be able to actually become a vegetarian. I'm not totally against the idea....so we'll see.

On a totally different note, we went down to Half Moon Bay last week and got our pumpkins. It was a wonderful time, as always!!! I LOVE Half Moon Bay!




More soon! :)

Fall is in the air...

What a gorgeous morning! I woke up the a beautiful breeze coming through the window and a cuddly cat next to me. Then it was fresh pressed coffee (with pumpkin spice creamer) and a healthy bowl of cereal with fresh berries. I've been steadily working on my photography website and kicking around the idea of making some changes to Faye's website in the future. I've got laundry going and I'm feeling very...content. And you know what? It's a beautiful feeling. Happy Fall!

Well, that was easy...

Dentist appointment went well. The klonopin helped me relax. All in all though, no cavities and strong, healthy pink gums! Yay!! I have to go back for a couple crowns though (I have some REALLY old fillings that need to be replaced) and that's that. Well, I do have a wisdom tooth that needs to be pulled, but I'm in denial about that one! Glad it's over and glad I went. My mouth is happy tonight. =)

Scrape...scrape...

Nerves are humming. I have a dentist appointment in 45 minutes. UGH! The dentist makes me very nervous (I'm starting to wonder what DOESN'T make me nervous?). Today is just a cleaning (scrape, scrape..) and an exam. But STILL. Not looking forward to it at all. I feel dizzy and weird. Deep breath.

Other than that, things are okay. I am healing my heart and establishing a routine. I have issues I need to deal with - and soon - but for me, it's truly one day at a time. I can't think of another way to be.

I am looking forward to a quick getaway to Half Moon Bay towards the end of the month. We go down there every year for pumpkin pickin and a much needed dose of the ocean. It's so beautiful there, so serene. Talk about taking away all of my anxiety! It's amazing. Still trying to figure out if I'm going to be able to make it down south to see Faye. Feel like it's a once in a lifetime opportunity and I would hate to miss it, but we'll have to see if I can swing it. Fingers crossed because it would be awesome and a lot of fun!

I've been working on my photography website and it's coming along great! I'm so happy! I need to make a page on Facebook for it as well. All in good time. I can't wait to finally have my site up and running! It's exciting. Renting a new lens to check out soon, hopefully for our trip down to the coast. I wish I could just take photos for a living....it's totally my passion, my soul, my heart. I guess you never know what might happen.

Okay, gotta get going soon so I better end this one here. More soon! I have some lovely Fall photos I want to share!

Regrouping

Deep breath.

I just had three much needed days off work. They were both relaxing and somewhat productive. I am definitely still in a slump, but I am seeing the light and I think I am beginning my incline to the top. I will heal. I will be okay. The pain will cease and I will always have the memories of those wonderful creatures that have crossed The Rainbow Bridge. Loss is hard, no matter what. There are so many different kinds of losses and we just have to learn to grieve, take the time that we need, and eventually take that fresh step forward. It's not easy, it never is, but in order to allow your body and mind to repair, it has to be done. Repairing and healing is my focus right now. That doesn't mean that I am through grieving or that I won't cry, I will continue to do both of these things. But, I need to inject some positivity into my life before the sadness and despair totally pulls me down. I'm stronger than that and I am not going to allow it to happen.

So, I have a game plan. First and foremost is to get back into my workout routine! I started working out in late February and have noticed much improvement in both my body and my mind. I just FEEL better when I work out and, in turn, that gives me more confidence about myself. As someone who's always lacked self confidence, this is a great thing! I honestly can't even say that I really started working out to lose weight, but it did happen. I've lost eight pounds and what a difference! I want to lose about 8-10 pounds more, but we'll see. It will all come in time. The way that I mix up my workouts really helps. We have a Bowflex and an elliptical so that really helps! I also use Jillian Michaels' DVDS for some extreme cardio and sweating! She's seriously awesome. If you've ever wanted to get in shape, you can definitely do it with her DVDs. I love her and she's just so inspiring! So, yes, working out again is step one! Step two is directly connected to step one and that is making sure I eat well. For the most part, I eat VERY well and primarily organic, but again, this past month or so I've really let myself slide. However, eating better is usually pretty easy for me. I definitely am not addicted to food. In fact, I never really even enjoyed food until I met Andrea. It's hard not to enjoy food when you share your life with a Chef! So, I've changed a lot in that perspective, but she's very knowledgeable and knows how to make us healthy meals and, quite frankly, that is awesome. So, yes. Working out and eating better. That's my first way of getting back on track!

The other thing I need to do is just take some time for MYSELF. There's so much I want to do. I need to make lists and stick with them. I'm a photographer and there is so much I want to pursue, but sometimes it's just all so overwhelming. I need to make a plan and take small steps forward to reach my goal. I want to do photography on the side- primarily feline photography- but I will do other subjects as well. I need to invest in some more equipment and start promoting myself, but again, all of that takes time and planning. So, I've gotta work on that too.



And, lastly..I need a few days to just get away and breathe. We are planning an over night stay in Half Moon Bay next month and I am SO looking forward to it! We go there every year for pumpkin pickin'! They have the most beautiful pumpkins I've ever seen! Also, my all time favorite actress is going to be in a play in So Cal this fall. Going to try and go down to see it, but of course it's playing mainly on the weekends...and of course, I work! But, I might be able to work something out. That would be incredible! To be able to see her work and say hi would be pretty darn cool. So, we'll see. I'm looking into it.



I will be okay. I know I will be. I just need to keep my mind on positive things and focus on my short and long term goals. It will all work out. It always does, right? On that note, I should end this here. Back to work tomorrow and I'm getting tired. I think sleep will be good tonight. I hope I have dreams full of crunchy leaves, pumpkin carving and candy corn. :)

Broken

The human heart can only take so much pain. I believe that my heart has reached full capacity. My spirit is broken. My heart grieving. My mind in disbelief. I've experienced too much loss in the past two months.

I admit that my cats, and my extended family of cats, are a big part of my heart. They are my children who I love wholly and unconditionally. My sister has four cats. Two of them are outdoor cats- Aspen and Zander. Aspen was originally my cat, but Sandy and I decided we didn't want to separate the boys and decided Aspen would continue to live with her when I moved out of her place. That was in 2008. But, even if Aspen lives at Sandy's house,he's still my baby. We've had him his entire life. He was born on April 12, 2000 and is one of the sweetest boys I've ever known. Not to mention one of the cutest! She also has two indoor cats: Finley, a BEAUTIFUL Bengal boy who I love like my own, and her latest edition, Callie, a kitten she rescued. Needless to say, my sister loves cats like I do and, like me, her cats are her kids too. There's nothing we wouldn't do for them.



My mom's cats are family too. And this is where writing this is going to get tough because it's one of my Mom's cats that we had to let go yesterday. My heart is big and sore. My eyelids swollen from hours at the emergency clinic, my nerves humming from extreme anxiety. Last night was just horrible and heartbreaking; in fact, I'm so broken I couldn't go to work today. I was awake until 2 AM and needed a Xanax to help me relax and calm down. I couldn't stop crying last night.

Shade. That's her name. Or, I guess I should say that was her name. Shadie. Shadie Shade. Baby girl. Shade wandered into my mom's backyard in 1999. Mind you, 1999 was the worst year of my life. It was full of grief and loss. Then, one day at my mom's house, this little black kitten appears in the backyard. I walked out back and she came up to me and purred. I picked her up and she purred. She was so cute! A few months later, I moved in with my mom for a little while. By that time, Shade was a permanent resident and we all fell in love with her. Where did she come from? We'll never know. But, I believe she was sent to me to help me through the horrible grief I was going through. She would sleep with me at night and purr. She would always purr.





A few months later, we noticed Shade was getting bigger. She got pregnant and on April 12, 2000 she had a litter of six kittens. One kitten didn't survive; the remaining five were the cutest and sweetest little things ever. Sandy and I decided to each keep a kitten: she chose Yoda Bear and I chose Aspen. My mom kept the little white one and named her Chloe. The remaining two, Pepsi and Zoey, were placed in wonderful forever homes. A few months later, Shadie was spayed and we were all in love with our new kittens. Shadie brought us these wonderful babies. She was a gift to me and her babies were a gift to us. We would love them and care for them unconditionally.



I moved in with my sister and we had Yoda and Aspen. They were wonderful brothers who adored each other beyond reason. They were such good boys! We loved them so much. Three years later, in August 2003, tragedy struck. Our sweet Yoda Bear was hit by a car. Losing him was one of the hardest things in the world. After we lost Yoda, all of our future cats became indoor only. A hard lesson to learn, but one that we needed.



Anyhow, back to Shadie. About five days ago, my mom said Shadie wasn't looking so good. I went to check on her and she seemed very lethargic and out of it. We monitored her until yesterday. I went to check on her and she was not any better and seemed extremely disoriented and confused. She couldn't focus on anything. Something was so wrong with her and I was so scared to bring her to the emergency vet, because somehow...I knew. She had a fever of 105.5...which is VERY high for a cat. At 106, cats begin seizing. Her bloodwork was all over the place, but one thing was for certain: she was extremely anemic and not getting enough oxygen to her body. The vet said she was in very critical condition and it was a good thing we brought her in when we did. Unfortunately, to really find out what was wrong with her would have taken numerous tests, but they concluded she probably had a tumor of some kind, one that possibly was bleeding. Even with all of the imaging tests, there was reason to believe that nothing we could do would save her. She would need a blood transfusion within a week. I asked the vet if they thought she was suffering and they said she was "very sick" which, to me, answered that question without using the word suffering. My sister and I had to make a very difficult decision for Shadie, a decision that we knew had to be made. Oh, I cannot say enough how much this hurts.

We had her for 11 years. I saw her at least once a week. She was my baby girl. She really was...and losing her has ripped my heart from my chest. I cannot believe she's gone. I'm worried about my mom, I'm worried about Chloe. I'm worried how everyone will go on without Shadie's presence.

Shade was so incredibly loved and she knew it. I keep telling myself that's really what matters.

But my heart is broken and I'm crying again because I miss her. Because I love her. Because this was all so sudden and unexpected.



This is the third cat that I've lost in the past two months. I'm still processing the previous losses. My Ellie girl who just disappeared and Francis, who we sent to the Bridge just three weeks ago. My heart cannot take much more. I'm so sad.

But, there are a few things that I am finding comfort in...the first thing is that, oddly enough, about three weeks ago, a little black and white kitten showed up in my mom's back yard. He's scared, but he comes up to my mom and let's her pet him. He chose her house for some reason and, like Shadie, we have no idea where he came from. My mom calls him Friskie because he, well, quite frisky! :)



And the second thing...well,this is just such a beautiful thought. My sister called me last night after I left to go see Shadie and said something that just made us cry so hard. She said that Yoda Bear would be with his Mom Shadie now...and I know that he was waiting for her at the Rainbow Bridge. That thought alone soothes my heart. Yoda and Shadie are together now and that brings such comfort to our hearts.

We love you Shade, our sweet little girl. My last words to her, as I kissed her on the head and my tears fell on her fur were this: "Be careful crossing that Bridge, Shade. I love you sweetheart...until we meet again.."



We love you Shade.

***

Thank you to the AMAZING, KIND, and WONDERFUL staff at Atlantic Street Emergency Care Center. We've used their facility many times and I honestly don't know what we would do without them. They truly treat our pets like family.

***

Birthday Eve

I think everyone who knows me is aware that I am not big on birthdays; in fact, I somewhat despise them. I find that every year on my birthday I reflect on all of the things that I didn't accomplish, instead of the things that I did accomplish. Yet, it's more than that. I am having a really hard time with getting older. I look at myself and sometimes I truly cannot believe that the person I see in the mirror is me. I have never been very self confident and I'm finding that any confidence that I did have is slowly melting away. I'm afraid of what's going to happen...where I'm going to end up, how I'm going to feel about myself in five or ten years. It's just so hard. I never thought it would be so difficult and I'm not sure how to process it or if it's something that is even possible to process.

Ugh. I am very annoyed right now. I cannot gather my thoughts and words like I want to. I can usually write much better than this, but right now my head feels so fogged up. I feel stuffy, like I just cannot breathe. Okay. Deep breath. Let's try this again.

I'm usually out of town on my birthday. I think we've been at the coast for the past five years or so. I do this on purpose. I do this so I cannot sit around and think too much. The ocean is my distraction and I don't have that distraction this year. So, instead, I'm dreading the impending birthday. Wondering how I'm going to feel tomorrow. Wondering how much I will cry, how much I will smile. I don't have any big plans. Andrea works in the afternoon, so we'll hang out in the morning. I'm going to Mom's house in the evening to hang out with her and my sister, have dinner and probably a little something sweet for dessert. I'm wondering if I will keep myself busy enough or if I will sit around and be depressed the moment I am alone. That's not what I want, but it's what I fear.

Dammit. I freakin' hate birthdays. I'll write more tomorrow.

Grief

Francis crossed the Rainbow Bridge on Monday...and it has been a very difficult week. I couldn't bring myself to go. I said goodbye to her at home. Gave her kitty kisses and lots of love. Andrea said she went very peacefully. She didn't fight. She closed her eyes and went to sleep. There's an emptiness in our house right now. A kind of void that will take some time to fill. Powder Paws is helping fill that void...but I keep thinking I have to check on Francis and then I remember that she isn't here with us anymore. I miss that kitty so much. She was so sweet. We loved her dearly and we know that we did everything that we could for her. She had a great year with us and I find some comfort in that. Of course, it doesn't ease the pain, for only time will make the pain subside. I know she's resting now. I know she's comfortable and the pain is gone. I miss her terribly, but we had to let her go. Sometimes that is truly the greatest gift that we can give to our animals. To love them enough to let them go says a lot about us...

So, we are moving along. Trying to heal. Trying to get back into the routine of life. It's been tough.

I haven't worked out in weeks. I was doing so well up until a few weeks ago and, let me say, I totally feel a difference. I have to start working out again tomorrow. I feel so much better when I exercise. Right now, the depression and anxiety is pretty heavy. It's like this thick blanket over my skin that I just cannot seem to lift. That's why I need to start working out again. It will make that blanket not so thick and will, hopefully, make it go away soon. I'm just sad. Not feeling all that great. Dealing with a lot of fears that have made their way back to the surface of my heart. It's scary because I'm not sure how to deal with everything right now. I think the amount of stress that I've been under the past month or so has really taken it's toll on me. I just feel heavy, weighed down. It's frustrating.

I'm tired and should sleep soon. I have to get up early tomorrow to go out to FieldHaven and photograph kittens. That should make me feel better! I will write more soon. There is so much on my mind...but right now, I must sleep.

Preparing to Say Goodbye

Francis, our foster kitty, will cross the Rainbow Bridge on Monday morning. It's going to be a tough few days. I am in tears already just thinking about it...it hurts so bad. I don't want to do this. Goddess, I don't want to do this, but I know it's the *right* thing to do.

Francis just isn't well. Since her diagnosis, she's started to decline rapidly and it's so hard to watch. I just want to hold her and love her but it's so hard knowing.. Goddess, knowing what we have to do....

My sweet little kitty. I'm so sorry baby girl. I'm so sorry.

We're letting you go because we love you....

For the Love of Cats

While cleaning out one of our cabinets cluttered with leftover college textbooks, I came across a collection of journals that I've kept over the years. I also found my first diary. It's a small white diary with Strawberry Shortcake on the cover. On the inside, my mom wrote: "To my sweet daughter on her eighth birthday." I was reading that diary and realized how little things have changed. Even at eight years old, I was writing about our cats. We had a lot of cats growing up. One particular cat, Happy, had a litter of kittens every year. Of course, I didn't know anything about spay and neuter back then and my dad was barely able to put food on the table, let alone afford to have a cat spayed. So, we had a lot of cats. Some of those cats I remember with such fondness and some of them bring tears to my eyes. I am reflecting on my love for cats tonight because as I get more involved with cat rescue, I realize the pain that it brings. However, despite that pain, it brings such rewards.

And it's those rewards I have to remember when the pain sets in. These past few weeks have just been really rough. My friend and I at work rescued a cat last November. She was diagnosed with intestinal cancer, which explained why she was skin and bones when I finally caught her. The only option she had for a chance at life was surgery and my friend and I decided to give her that chance. After her surgery, she came home to live with me in our outdoor cat habitat. She had been doing so well and looking so good. And then, about three weeks ago, she just disappeared. It's hard for me because she was not the type of cat to wander. We're on about half an acre and she never even ventured out towards the front of the house. She was always out back, hanging out by the shed or patio. She wasn't a wanderer...yet she vanished. I miss her so much and keep thinking I will look out back and she will be there. There is always the possibility that she crossed the Rainbow Bridge...that she did wander off to die. I know cats do that. But, again, I have a hard time believing she would have wandered that far. I think she would have gone under the shed or found a spot in the garage. So,because I have no proof that she passed, I am going to hold onto hope that one day, she might just return. I dream about her almost every night and in my dreams she is always running through grass, happy...healthy. I miss my Ellie girl so much.



As I'm grieving over Ellie's disappearance, I notice that our permanent Foster cat, Francis, doesn't seem to be doing so well. She's older and has been prone to urinary tract infections. So, last week I brought her to the vet, expecting just another infection. Not so. The vet noticed "abnormal cells" and took an xray of her abdomen. He suspected a possible mass and sent her for an ultrasound. She had the ultrasound the following day and we got the worst possible news: little Francis has bladder cancer. It's pretty bad, too. The diagnosis did surprise me because she has been to the vet a few times for the urinary tract infections. I think it's an aggressive form of cancer and apparently fairly rare in cats. We are still waiting to hear from her doctor (he needed to review the scan and biopsy results), but I think Andrea and I already know what we must do...and that reality is so incredibly painful. I don't want to let her go. It hurts so bad to even think about it..but I feel like that's what we have to do because it's what is best for her. She's just so sweet. One of those cats that starts purring the instant she sees you. And it's sad and it really sucks. BUT, I really have to remember that the last year of her life has been good and happy. She was abandoned, left living under a house, before she was rescued. We saved her and gave her a happy, loving home. I don't want to lose her, but I cannot let her suffer,and I fear that she is suffering. I don't know when she will cross the Rainbow Bridge, but I think it will be soon and I'm going to miss her so much. Andrea will be with her and she will bring her home and bury her in our back yard. I asked Andrea if she was sure she wanted to do that because I know how difficult it will be. She said she was sure because Francis was abandoned once and she should never be abandoned again. She will be home with us where she belongs.



Of course, now I am just crying like crazy...my emotions are so crazy lately. I just love these creatures so much. I hate to see them hurting and in pain. Francis is the third cat we've had now that's had cancer. I don't know WHY these cats keep coming to us, but somehow they end up in our hearts and our home. We love them and take care of them and then see them off to the Rainbow Bridge. Sometimes it just hurts so bad that I swear I will never do it again, and then another one comes along...

We actually did just take in another foster...we committed to her before we knew Francis was sick. The shelter I volunteer for is tearing down their old facility and building a brand new one, so all the cats currently there need to be placed in foster homes for a few months. Our newest foster is Powder Paws. Cutest name ever. She was once feral and is now adorable and sweet. I've loved her for a long time and everyone keeps saying I'm going to get attached. We'll see what happens. I PLAN on bringing her back once the new shelter is ready, but I cannot make any promises. It truly depends on if she's happy here. She loves other cats and our cats can be somewhat mean. It's sad because Powder Paws really just wants a friend. She's adorable and so special.



Oh, it's all just so hard. My heart hurts right now. I know that I can't save them all. I know that I can only love them and let them go when their time has come. But, knowing that doesn't lessen the pain or make it any easier. It's just going to be a tough week. :(

Regrets, I've Had a Few....

A very strange thing happens to me when I don't take my medication like I should: my ears rattle. It seriously feels like there's a baby rattle going off in my head and it's such a weird sound and feeling. I've never experienced anything like it before. I've googled it to see if it's some kind of side effect from withdrawal, but I can't find anything. I know it's medication related because it only happens when I'm not as consistent as I should be with my meds.

Honestly, I cannot remember the year that I started taking medication for depression. What I do know for certain is that I should have been on something much earlier in life. I went through so much pain and anguish and I was so ANTI drug. I wanted to get through it on my own and that was such a costly mistake. I remember one time when my former best friend was out visiting me from the East Coast. She had never seen that depression side of me and during this one particular visit, she saw a part of me that worried her and probably scared her, too. It was that incident that pushed me to get on medication because if it was effecting people in my life like that then something had to be done.

Sometimes, I find myself severely frustrated that my parents didn't make me go on something when I was a teenager. However, looking back, they probably just thought that it was adolescence,something that I would outgrow. Well,unfortunately,that never happened. I'm not blaming them by any means, I just wonder how different I would have been if I would have gotten help sooner.

Depression and anxiety are VERY frustrating demons. I try so hard to find a balance, but sometimes I just sink. I realize that sporadically taking my medication doesn't help, but I think that comes from me believing that the medication isn't really helping my anyway. I'm just incredibly frustrated right now. The anxiety medication still helps, for the most part, and I am seriously thankful for that. Some days, I know that I wouldn't make it through work without it...and I think that's kind of sad. That's just one of the many reasons that I need to find a new career. I need something that is good for *me*. One of the biggest problems I have with working at the Police Department is that I am constantly feeling like I failed. Yes, I wanted to go into law enforcement. At one time, very early in life, I wanted to be an officer. I don't know where that changed. Then I really thought I finally figured it out: I wanted to be a Deputy Coroner. I interned at the Coroner's office for a year, then ended up working there for about six months. The only reason I left was because of the offer from PD. Sometimes I really wish I never would have left....

Oh, I could seriously go on forever about regrets and past mistakes...but really, what is the point? I'm just feeling a bit down today. So, I guess it's time to get up and face the day..lots to do!

Fearlessness

For Valentine’s Day, my girlfriend bought me a necklace that is both very simple and powerful in its message. It simply states FEARLESSNESS. There is something about this necklace that emanates a certain strength when I’m wearing it. For example, when I was being trained at something new at work and I got nervous (typical of me), I found myself unconsciously stroking the necklace with my thumb and feeling the engraved word…FEARLESSNESS.

I’m definitely not fearless. I never have been. I’ve never been edgy or daring. I’ve always stayed inside the box, so to speak, and taking chances has never been a strong point of my personality. I like consistency and routine. However, lately I find myself wanting to break free from that particular mold. I find myself wanting to do different things and not be so confined by my fear. I find myself wanting to experience pure FEARLESSNESS.

However, it seems that want is struck down by my belief that it is just too late. Perhaps I’ve been living this way for so long that I cannot change. I cannot step out from that box. Maybe it’s too late for me to fly. I don’t want to believe that, but the negative part of my brain always tends to override the positive, hence why I often fail before I even try.

It’s a vicious cycle, really. But tonight, there’s a small part of me that truly believes it’s not too late. There’s a small part of me that believes I can still change, I can still grow, I can still fly.

FEARLESSNESS.

Reflections

Today at work, when I wasn't too busy entering stolen vehicles and taking missing persons report, I found myself reflecting on my life and my career path. The past few weeks at work have been a little tough. Not only have I been training in something new for a while, but we had a visitor in the department that conjured up a lot of memories. My former boss, the Forensics Manager of the Police Department, was in Records "shadowing" the Records employees. I am a Records employee. John is no longer the manager of Forensics, but seeing him around the office stirred up a lot of emotions. It was my decision to leave CSI, yet I still feel like I disappointed John. He's always so friendly and cordial to me and it was John, after all, who recommended I stay with the PD and take a transfer. It's just still so entirely hard to know that I had my dream - - was actually living my dream - - but then it turned out not to be my dream at all.



Oh, what a mess. I have an entirely separate blog devoted to my seven month stint as a crime scene investigator and this really isn't the place to rehash these issues. But, like I said, when you're seeing your former boss who you worked crime scenes with, it's hard not to feel like you didn't let him down. Wow- notice how I totally changed tenses there? Talking about myself, then talking about someone else. That proves to me that I still have issues to resolve. And that, my friends, is what therapy is for.

Unfortunately, I haven't been to therapy for quite a while. I need to make an appointment and go back. I know there are a lot of people who don't believe in therapy, but it really does help me. The primary reason I began seeing a therapist was because of my depression over my job. Of course, that opened up an entire journal of my life and I was going to therapy on a pretty regular basis. Then, I guess I just felt like I needed a break. I'm thinking that my break is over and it's time to face the fears and the demons once again.

It will be interesting to see my therapist again. Last time I saw her, I was just starting to work out and exercise. I've lost about six pounds since I saw her last and I think she'll be proud of me. Exercise is turning out to be such a huge thing for me right now. It helps with work stress. It makes me feel so much better. And, of course,the eight pounds I've lost is pretty damn awesome. It's also incredible to see my body changing. To feel my cardiovascular system getting stronger, to see definition in my arms and shoulders. Yea, pretty cool stuff. Of course it's harder than hell, but that's okay. I'm seriously just beginning with working out and I can't wait to see how I look and feel a year from now. That's my goal. I don't want instant results. I realize it's going to take time. So, I'm going to give myself the time and get healthy and fit! Thank you, Jillian Michaels. =)

Sleep is starting to call my name, but I've got a little more to do online before I call it a night. I'll write more soon.

Prop 8 Ruling

Yesterday, a Federal Judge in my home state of California overturned a ban on same sex marriage. This is a huge victory. While I truly *do* respect the opinions of all individuals, when people become violent or mean they immediately lose my respect. Prop 8 is about people. People who just want to love who they love. In my opinion, it really is that simple. People can say what they will about traditional marriage, but the truth is, marriage hasn't been traditional for a very long time. All we have to do is look at the rate of divorce in this country and we should have our answer. People don't respect and appreciate marriage as it should be. I have the utmost respect for couples who have been together for twenty years...even more. Those people obviously believe in what marriage is all about. Marriage is a lifetime commitment and it's work. It's painful. It's hard. But, when you made those vows to your significant other, you made them for LIFE. Everyone should be allowed to get married and same sex couples are no different. Again, it's about love and commitment.

Of course, I may be a bit biased on this ruling; after all, tomorrow is my girlfriend and I's seventh anniversary. It has not been an easy road, nor will it ever be one. Relationships are hard. But, they are also beautiful, wonderful and absolutely fun. I couldn't ask for a better girlfriend and I have been so blessed to share my life with her for the past seven years. Yes, I know...there will always be people who don't agree and I will never understand WHY. We are NO different than you. No different at all. Look at us. Really, look at us.



I hope that the Prop 8 ruling shows that the voters do not have the right in implement discrimination into our state constitution. By allowing us not to marry, they are doing just that. Hell, I don't even know if I *want* to get married, but that's not the point. The point is that we should be able to if we want to and I am so thankful that this judge weighed the evidence and came to the conclusion that he did. After all, we need to move forward in the future, not backwards. This, my friends,is a huge and giant step forward.

And so it begins...

My heart is very heavy. There's entirely too much going on and I'm not sure how to process everything right now. So, I've come to conclude that I need to start writing again. I used to write all the time. I used to keep hand written journals and online blogs. I used to write poetry. Throughout college, my best subject was always English and writing papers was never a dreaded task. However, it seems once I graduated from college in 2005, my writing has severely declined. The truth is, I miss writing. I miss looking back on my thoughts, reading my own words. Writing is therapy. It helps me think, helps me process, helps me partition. I have high hopes for this blog and I want to write as frequently as I can. For a while now, I've been feeling like I am missing something. Maybe writing is the thing that I am missing.

I'm not sure what form, if any, this blog will take. I do know that I will interlace it with photographs because, quite frankly, that is what I do. I am a photographer, first and foremost. Yes, I may have a day job, but if I had my way, I would take photographs for a living. I feel at my best when I have my camera in hand and I'm looking through the lens and trying to get that perfect shot. I've always had this way of thinking in pictures. That's probably why photography is my one true passion. So, expect to find photographs throughout the blog. Hopefully, you will enjoy looking at them as much as I love taking them. Besides photography, I think this blog will be quite a plethora of emotions. I have a deep rooted history of anxiety and depression. There are times when I am okay, but then there are times when I feel like the lowest person on the planet. I want my readers to be prepared for the changes in mood that occur here. If you're looking for something static and uplifting, you might just want to hit that "next blog" button right now. I'm not saying that I won't be writing positive as well, I'm just reiterating that I struggle with certain conditions that make some days extremely difficult. I want this blog to be a kind of sanctuary, a safe place to share those feelings and emotions without feeling judged or embarrassed.

Blogging is actually a very interesting concept. In truth, we are truly exposing ourselves and our emotions to complete strangers. Of course, friends and family will probably read this blog too and that is great, but I find it interesting to think that complete strangers will be reading about my struggles and my victories in life. Oddly enough, I find that somewhat comforting and endearing at the same time.

So, friends and readers, I hope that you enjoy whatever it is that I have to share. Whether it be my thoughts, feelings or photographs, I hope that in some way, my words will make you stop, think, reflect and feel. I believe that we all have something to learn from each other. Thanks for reading.