A very strange thing happens to me when I don't take my medication like I should: my ears rattle. It seriously feels like there's a baby rattle going off in my head and it's such a weird sound and feeling. I've never experienced anything like it before. I've googled it to see if it's some kind of side effect from withdrawal, but I can't find anything. I know it's medication related because it only happens when I'm not as consistent as I should be with my meds.
Honestly, I cannot remember the year that I started taking medication for depression. What I do know for certain is that I should have been on something much earlier in life. I went through so much pain and anguish and I was so ANTI drug. I wanted to get through it on my own and that was such a costly mistake. I remember one time when my former best friend was out visiting me from the East Coast. She had never seen that depression side of me and during this one particular visit, she saw a part of me that worried her and probably scared her, too. It was that incident that pushed me to get on medication because if it was effecting people in my life like that then something had to be done.
Sometimes, I find myself severely frustrated that my parents didn't make me go on something when I was a teenager. However, looking back, they probably just thought that it was adolescence,something that I would outgrow. Well,unfortunately,that never happened. I'm not blaming them by any means, I just wonder how different I would have been if I would have gotten help sooner.
Depression and anxiety are VERY frustrating demons. I try so hard to find a balance, but sometimes I just sink. I realize that sporadically taking my medication doesn't help, but I think that comes from me believing that the medication isn't really helping my anyway. I'm just incredibly frustrated right now. The anxiety medication still helps, for the most part, and I am seriously thankful for that. Some days, I know that I wouldn't make it through work without it...and I think that's kind of sad. That's just one of the many reasons that I need to find a new career. I need something that is good for *me*. One of the biggest problems I have with working at the Police Department is that I am constantly feeling like I failed. Yes, I wanted to go into law enforcement. At one time, very early in life, I wanted to be an officer. I don't know where that changed. Then I really thought I finally figured it out: I wanted to be a Deputy Coroner. I interned at the Coroner's office for a year, then ended up working there for about six months. The only reason I left was because of the offer from PD. Sometimes I really wish I never would have left....
Oh, I could seriously go on forever about regrets and past mistakes...but really, what is the point? I'm just feeling a bit down today. So, I guess it's time to get up and face the day..lots to do!
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