Birthday Eve

I think everyone who knows me is aware that I am not big on birthdays; in fact, I somewhat despise them. I find that every year on my birthday I reflect on all of the things that I didn't accomplish, instead of the things that I did accomplish. Yet, it's more than that. I am having a really hard time with getting older. I look at myself and sometimes I truly cannot believe that the person I see in the mirror is me. I have never been very self confident and I'm finding that any confidence that I did have is slowly melting away. I'm afraid of what's going to happen...where I'm going to end up, how I'm going to feel about myself in five or ten years. It's just so hard. I never thought it would be so difficult and I'm not sure how to process it or if it's something that is even possible to process.

Ugh. I am very annoyed right now. I cannot gather my thoughts and words like I want to. I can usually write much better than this, but right now my head feels so fogged up. I feel stuffy, like I just cannot breathe. Okay. Deep breath. Let's try this again.

I'm usually out of town on my birthday. I think we've been at the coast for the past five years or so. I do this on purpose. I do this so I cannot sit around and think too much. The ocean is my distraction and I don't have that distraction this year. So, instead, I'm dreading the impending birthday. Wondering how I'm going to feel tomorrow. Wondering how much I will cry, how much I will smile. I don't have any big plans. Andrea works in the afternoon, so we'll hang out in the morning. I'm going to Mom's house in the evening to hang out with her and my sister, have dinner and probably a little something sweet for dessert. I'm wondering if I will keep myself busy enough or if I will sit around and be depressed the moment I am alone. That's not what I want, but it's what I fear.

Dammit. I freakin' hate birthdays. I'll write more tomorrow.