Regrouping

Deep breath.

I just had three much needed days off work. They were both relaxing and somewhat productive. I am definitely still in a slump, but I am seeing the light and I think I am beginning my incline to the top. I will heal. I will be okay. The pain will cease and I will always have the memories of those wonderful creatures that have crossed The Rainbow Bridge. Loss is hard, no matter what. There are so many different kinds of losses and we just have to learn to grieve, take the time that we need, and eventually take that fresh step forward. It's not easy, it never is, but in order to allow your body and mind to repair, it has to be done. Repairing and healing is my focus right now. That doesn't mean that I am through grieving or that I won't cry, I will continue to do both of these things. But, I need to inject some positivity into my life before the sadness and despair totally pulls me down. I'm stronger than that and I am not going to allow it to happen.

So, I have a game plan. First and foremost is to get back into my workout routine! I started working out in late February and have noticed much improvement in both my body and my mind. I just FEEL better when I work out and, in turn, that gives me more confidence about myself. As someone who's always lacked self confidence, this is a great thing! I honestly can't even say that I really started working out to lose weight, but it did happen. I've lost eight pounds and what a difference! I want to lose about 8-10 pounds more, but we'll see. It will all come in time. The way that I mix up my workouts really helps. We have a Bowflex and an elliptical so that really helps! I also use Jillian Michaels' DVDS for some extreme cardio and sweating! She's seriously awesome. If you've ever wanted to get in shape, you can definitely do it with her DVDs. I love her and she's just so inspiring! So, yes, working out again is step one! Step two is directly connected to step one and that is making sure I eat well. For the most part, I eat VERY well and primarily organic, but again, this past month or so I've really let myself slide. However, eating better is usually pretty easy for me. I definitely am not addicted to food. In fact, I never really even enjoyed food until I met Andrea. It's hard not to enjoy food when you share your life with a Chef! So, I've changed a lot in that perspective, but she's very knowledgeable and knows how to make us healthy meals and, quite frankly, that is awesome. So, yes. Working out and eating better. That's my first way of getting back on track!

The other thing I need to do is just take some time for MYSELF. There's so much I want to do. I need to make lists and stick with them. I'm a photographer and there is so much I want to pursue, but sometimes it's just all so overwhelming. I need to make a plan and take small steps forward to reach my goal. I want to do photography on the side- primarily feline photography- but I will do other subjects as well. I need to invest in some more equipment and start promoting myself, but again, all of that takes time and planning. So, I've gotta work on that too.



And, lastly..I need a few days to just get away and breathe. We are planning an over night stay in Half Moon Bay next month and I am SO looking forward to it! We go there every year for pumpkin pickin'! They have the most beautiful pumpkins I've ever seen! Also, my all time favorite actress is going to be in a play in So Cal this fall. Going to try and go down to see it, but of course it's playing mainly on the weekends...and of course, I work! But, I might be able to work something out. That would be incredible! To be able to see her work and say hi would be pretty darn cool. So, we'll see. I'm looking into it.



I will be okay. I know I will be. I just need to keep my mind on positive things and focus on my short and long term goals. It will all work out. It always does, right? On that note, I should end this here. Back to work tomorrow and I'm getting tired. I think sleep will be good tonight. I hope I have dreams full of crunchy leaves, pumpkin carving and candy corn. :)

Broken

The human heart can only take so much pain. I believe that my heart has reached full capacity. My spirit is broken. My heart grieving. My mind in disbelief. I've experienced too much loss in the past two months.

I admit that my cats, and my extended family of cats, are a big part of my heart. They are my children who I love wholly and unconditionally. My sister has four cats. Two of them are outdoor cats- Aspen and Zander. Aspen was originally my cat, but Sandy and I decided we didn't want to separate the boys and decided Aspen would continue to live with her when I moved out of her place. That was in 2008. But, even if Aspen lives at Sandy's house,he's still my baby. We've had him his entire life. He was born on April 12, 2000 and is one of the sweetest boys I've ever known. Not to mention one of the cutest! She also has two indoor cats: Finley, a BEAUTIFUL Bengal boy who I love like my own, and her latest edition, Callie, a kitten she rescued. Needless to say, my sister loves cats like I do and, like me, her cats are her kids too. There's nothing we wouldn't do for them.



My mom's cats are family too. And this is where writing this is going to get tough because it's one of my Mom's cats that we had to let go yesterday. My heart is big and sore. My eyelids swollen from hours at the emergency clinic, my nerves humming from extreme anxiety. Last night was just horrible and heartbreaking; in fact, I'm so broken I couldn't go to work today. I was awake until 2 AM and needed a Xanax to help me relax and calm down. I couldn't stop crying last night.

Shade. That's her name. Or, I guess I should say that was her name. Shadie. Shadie Shade. Baby girl. Shade wandered into my mom's backyard in 1999. Mind you, 1999 was the worst year of my life. It was full of grief and loss. Then, one day at my mom's house, this little black kitten appears in the backyard. I walked out back and she came up to me and purred. I picked her up and she purred. She was so cute! A few months later, I moved in with my mom for a little while. By that time, Shade was a permanent resident and we all fell in love with her. Where did she come from? We'll never know. But, I believe she was sent to me to help me through the horrible grief I was going through. She would sleep with me at night and purr. She would always purr.





A few months later, we noticed Shade was getting bigger. She got pregnant and on April 12, 2000 she had a litter of six kittens. One kitten didn't survive; the remaining five were the cutest and sweetest little things ever. Sandy and I decided to each keep a kitten: she chose Yoda Bear and I chose Aspen. My mom kept the little white one and named her Chloe. The remaining two, Pepsi and Zoey, were placed in wonderful forever homes. A few months later, Shadie was spayed and we were all in love with our new kittens. Shadie brought us these wonderful babies. She was a gift to me and her babies were a gift to us. We would love them and care for them unconditionally.



I moved in with my sister and we had Yoda and Aspen. They were wonderful brothers who adored each other beyond reason. They were such good boys! We loved them so much. Three years later, in August 2003, tragedy struck. Our sweet Yoda Bear was hit by a car. Losing him was one of the hardest things in the world. After we lost Yoda, all of our future cats became indoor only. A hard lesson to learn, but one that we needed.



Anyhow, back to Shadie. About five days ago, my mom said Shadie wasn't looking so good. I went to check on her and she seemed very lethargic and out of it. We monitored her until yesterday. I went to check on her and she was not any better and seemed extremely disoriented and confused. She couldn't focus on anything. Something was so wrong with her and I was so scared to bring her to the emergency vet, because somehow...I knew. She had a fever of 105.5...which is VERY high for a cat. At 106, cats begin seizing. Her bloodwork was all over the place, but one thing was for certain: she was extremely anemic and not getting enough oxygen to her body. The vet said she was in very critical condition and it was a good thing we brought her in when we did. Unfortunately, to really find out what was wrong with her would have taken numerous tests, but they concluded she probably had a tumor of some kind, one that possibly was bleeding. Even with all of the imaging tests, there was reason to believe that nothing we could do would save her. She would need a blood transfusion within a week. I asked the vet if they thought she was suffering and they said she was "very sick" which, to me, answered that question without using the word suffering. My sister and I had to make a very difficult decision for Shadie, a decision that we knew had to be made. Oh, I cannot say enough how much this hurts.

We had her for 11 years. I saw her at least once a week. She was my baby girl. She really was...and losing her has ripped my heart from my chest. I cannot believe she's gone. I'm worried about my mom, I'm worried about Chloe. I'm worried how everyone will go on without Shadie's presence.

Shade was so incredibly loved and she knew it. I keep telling myself that's really what matters.

But my heart is broken and I'm crying again because I miss her. Because I love her. Because this was all so sudden and unexpected.



This is the third cat that I've lost in the past two months. I'm still processing the previous losses. My Ellie girl who just disappeared and Francis, who we sent to the Bridge just three weeks ago. My heart cannot take much more. I'm so sad.

But, there are a few things that I am finding comfort in...the first thing is that, oddly enough, about three weeks ago, a little black and white kitten showed up in my mom's back yard. He's scared, but he comes up to my mom and let's her pet him. He chose her house for some reason and, like Shadie, we have no idea where he came from. My mom calls him Friskie because he, well, quite frisky! :)



And the second thing...well,this is just such a beautiful thought. My sister called me last night after I left to go see Shadie and said something that just made us cry so hard. She said that Yoda Bear would be with his Mom Shadie now...and I know that he was waiting for her at the Rainbow Bridge. That thought alone soothes my heart. Yoda and Shadie are together now and that brings such comfort to our hearts.

We love you Shade, our sweet little girl. My last words to her, as I kissed her on the head and my tears fell on her fur were this: "Be careful crossing that Bridge, Shade. I love you sweetheart...until we meet again.."



We love you Shade.

***

Thank you to the AMAZING, KIND, and WONDERFUL staff at Atlantic Street Emergency Care Center. We've used their facility many times and I honestly don't know what we would do without them. They truly treat our pets like family.

***

Birthday Eve

I think everyone who knows me is aware that I am not big on birthdays; in fact, I somewhat despise them. I find that every year on my birthday I reflect on all of the things that I didn't accomplish, instead of the things that I did accomplish. Yet, it's more than that. I am having a really hard time with getting older. I look at myself and sometimes I truly cannot believe that the person I see in the mirror is me. I have never been very self confident and I'm finding that any confidence that I did have is slowly melting away. I'm afraid of what's going to happen...where I'm going to end up, how I'm going to feel about myself in five or ten years. It's just so hard. I never thought it would be so difficult and I'm not sure how to process it or if it's something that is even possible to process.

Ugh. I am very annoyed right now. I cannot gather my thoughts and words like I want to. I can usually write much better than this, but right now my head feels so fogged up. I feel stuffy, like I just cannot breathe. Okay. Deep breath. Let's try this again.

I'm usually out of town on my birthday. I think we've been at the coast for the past five years or so. I do this on purpose. I do this so I cannot sit around and think too much. The ocean is my distraction and I don't have that distraction this year. So, instead, I'm dreading the impending birthday. Wondering how I'm going to feel tomorrow. Wondering how much I will cry, how much I will smile. I don't have any big plans. Andrea works in the afternoon, so we'll hang out in the morning. I'm going to Mom's house in the evening to hang out with her and my sister, have dinner and probably a little something sweet for dessert. I'm wondering if I will keep myself busy enough or if I will sit around and be depressed the moment I am alone. That's not what I want, but it's what I fear.

Dammit. I freakin' hate birthdays. I'll write more tomorrow.

Grief

Francis crossed the Rainbow Bridge on Monday...and it has been a very difficult week. I couldn't bring myself to go. I said goodbye to her at home. Gave her kitty kisses and lots of love. Andrea said she went very peacefully. She didn't fight. She closed her eyes and went to sleep. There's an emptiness in our house right now. A kind of void that will take some time to fill. Powder Paws is helping fill that void...but I keep thinking I have to check on Francis and then I remember that she isn't here with us anymore. I miss that kitty so much. She was so sweet. We loved her dearly and we know that we did everything that we could for her. She had a great year with us and I find some comfort in that. Of course, it doesn't ease the pain, for only time will make the pain subside. I know she's resting now. I know she's comfortable and the pain is gone. I miss her terribly, but we had to let her go. Sometimes that is truly the greatest gift that we can give to our animals. To love them enough to let them go says a lot about us...

So, we are moving along. Trying to heal. Trying to get back into the routine of life. It's been tough.

I haven't worked out in weeks. I was doing so well up until a few weeks ago and, let me say, I totally feel a difference. I have to start working out again tomorrow. I feel so much better when I exercise. Right now, the depression and anxiety is pretty heavy. It's like this thick blanket over my skin that I just cannot seem to lift. That's why I need to start working out again. It will make that blanket not so thick and will, hopefully, make it go away soon. I'm just sad. Not feeling all that great. Dealing with a lot of fears that have made their way back to the surface of my heart. It's scary because I'm not sure how to deal with everything right now. I think the amount of stress that I've been under the past month or so has really taken it's toll on me. I just feel heavy, weighed down. It's frustrating.

I'm tired and should sleep soon. I have to get up early tomorrow to go out to FieldHaven and photograph kittens. That should make me feel better! I will write more soon. There is so much on my mind...but right now, I must sleep.