Preparing to Say Goodbye

Francis, our foster kitty, will cross the Rainbow Bridge on Monday morning. It's going to be a tough few days. I am in tears already just thinking about it...it hurts so bad. I don't want to do this. Goddess, I don't want to do this, but I know it's the *right* thing to do.

Francis just isn't well. Since her diagnosis, she's started to decline rapidly and it's so hard to watch. I just want to hold her and love her but it's so hard knowing.. Goddess, knowing what we have to do....

My sweet little kitty. I'm so sorry baby girl. I'm so sorry.

We're letting you go because we love you....

For the Love of Cats

While cleaning out one of our cabinets cluttered with leftover college textbooks, I came across a collection of journals that I've kept over the years. I also found my first diary. It's a small white diary with Strawberry Shortcake on the cover. On the inside, my mom wrote: "To my sweet daughter on her eighth birthday." I was reading that diary and realized how little things have changed. Even at eight years old, I was writing about our cats. We had a lot of cats growing up. One particular cat, Happy, had a litter of kittens every year. Of course, I didn't know anything about spay and neuter back then and my dad was barely able to put food on the table, let alone afford to have a cat spayed. So, we had a lot of cats. Some of those cats I remember with such fondness and some of them bring tears to my eyes. I am reflecting on my love for cats tonight because as I get more involved with cat rescue, I realize the pain that it brings. However, despite that pain, it brings such rewards.

And it's those rewards I have to remember when the pain sets in. These past few weeks have just been really rough. My friend and I at work rescued a cat last November. She was diagnosed with intestinal cancer, which explained why she was skin and bones when I finally caught her. The only option she had for a chance at life was surgery and my friend and I decided to give her that chance. After her surgery, she came home to live with me in our outdoor cat habitat. She had been doing so well and looking so good. And then, about three weeks ago, she just disappeared. It's hard for me because she was not the type of cat to wander. We're on about half an acre and she never even ventured out towards the front of the house. She was always out back, hanging out by the shed or patio. She wasn't a wanderer...yet she vanished. I miss her so much and keep thinking I will look out back and she will be there. There is always the possibility that she crossed the Rainbow Bridge...that she did wander off to die. I know cats do that. But, again, I have a hard time believing she would have wandered that far. I think she would have gone under the shed or found a spot in the garage. So,because I have no proof that she passed, I am going to hold onto hope that one day, she might just return. I dream about her almost every night and in my dreams she is always running through grass, happy...healthy. I miss my Ellie girl so much.



As I'm grieving over Ellie's disappearance, I notice that our permanent Foster cat, Francis, doesn't seem to be doing so well. She's older and has been prone to urinary tract infections. So, last week I brought her to the vet, expecting just another infection. Not so. The vet noticed "abnormal cells" and took an xray of her abdomen. He suspected a possible mass and sent her for an ultrasound. She had the ultrasound the following day and we got the worst possible news: little Francis has bladder cancer. It's pretty bad, too. The diagnosis did surprise me because she has been to the vet a few times for the urinary tract infections. I think it's an aggressive form of cancer and apparently fairly rare in cats. We are still waiting to hear from her doctor (he needed to review the scan and biopsy results), but I think Andrea and I already know what we must do...and that reality is so incredibly painful. I don't want to let her go. It hurts so bad to even think about it..but I feel like that's what we have to do because it's what is best for her. She's just so sweet. One of those cats that starts purring the instant she sees you. And it's sad and it really sucks. BUT, I really have to remember that the last year of her life has been good and happy. She was abandoned, left living under a house, before she was rescued. We saved her and gave her a happy, loving home. I don't want to lose her, but I cannot let her suffer,and I fear that she is suffering. I don't know when she will cross the Rainbow Bridge, but I think it will be soon and I'm going to miss her so much. Andrea will be with her and she will bring her home and bury her in our back yard. I asked Andrea if she was sure she wanted to do that because I know how difficult it will be. She said she was sure because Francis was abandoned once and she should never be abandoned again. She will be home with us where she belongs.



Of course, now I am just crying like crazy...my emotions are so crazy lately. I just love these creatures so much. I hate to see them hurting and in pain. Francis is the third cat we've had now that's had cancer. I don't know WHY these cats keep coming to us, but somehow they end up in our hearts and our home. We love them and take care of them and then see them off to the Rainbow Bridge. Sometimes it just hurts so bad that I swear I will never do it again, and then another one comes along...

We actually did just take in another foster...we committed to her before we knew Francis was sick. The shelter I volunteer for is tearing down their old facility and building a brand new one, so all the cats currently there need to be placed in foster homes for a few months. Our newest foster is Powder Paws. Cutest name ever. She was once feral and is now adorable and sweet. I've loved her for a long time and everyone keeps saying I'm going to get attached. We'll see what happens. I PLAN on bringing her back once the new shelter is ready, but I cannot make any promises. It truly depends on if she's happy here. She loves other cats and our cats can be somewhat mean. It's sad because Powder Paws really just wants a friend. She's adorable and so special.



Oh, it's all just so hard. My heart hurts right now. I know that I can't save them all. I know that I can only love them and let them go when their time has come. But, knowing that doesn't lessen the pain or make it any easier. It's just going to be a tough week. :(

Regrets, I've Had a Few....

A very strange thing happens to me when I don't take my medication like I should: my ears rattle. It seriously feels like there's a baby rattle going off in my head and it's such a weird sound and feeling. I've never experienced anything like it before. I've googled it to see if it's some kind of side effect from withdrawal, but I can't find anything. I know it's medication related because it only happens when I'm not as consistent as I should be with my meds.

Honestly, I cannot remember the year that I started taking medication for depression. What I do know for certain is that I should have been on something much earlier in life. I went through so much pain and anguish and I was so ANTI drug. I wanted to get through it on my own and that was such a costly mistake. I remember one time when my former best friend was out visiting me from the East Coast. She had never seen that depression side of me and during this one particular visit, she saw a part of me that worried her and probably scared her, too. It was that incident that pushed me to get on medication because if it was effecting people in my life like that then something had to be done.

Sometimes, I find myself severely frustrated that my parents didn't make me go on something when I was a teenager. However, looking back, they probably just thought that it was adolescence,something that I would outgrow. Well,unfortunately,that never happened. I'm not blaming them by any means, I just wonder how different I would have been if I would have gotten help sooner.

Depression and anxiety are VERY frustrating demons. I try so hard to find a balance, but sometimes I just sink. I realize that sporadically taking my medication doesn't help, but I think that comes from me believing that the medication isn't really helping my anyway. I'm just incredibly frustrated right now. The anxiety medication still helps, for the most part, and I am seriously thankful for that. Some days, I know that I wouldn't make it through work without it...and I think that's kind of sad. That's just one of the many reasons that I need to find a new career. I need something that is good for *me*. One of the biggest problems I have with working at the Police Department is that I am constantly feeling like I failed. Yes, I wanted to go into law enforcement. At one time, very early in life, I wanted to be an officer. I don't know where that changed. Then I really thought I finally figured it out: I wanted to be a Deputy Coroner. I interned at the Coroner's office for a year, then ended up working there for about six months. The only reason I left was because of the offer from PD. Sometimes I really wish I never would have left....

Oh, I could seriously go on forever about regrets and past mistakes...but really, what is the point? I'm just feeling a bit down today. So, I guess it's time to get up and face the day..lots to do!

Fearlessness

For Valentine’s Day, my girlfriend bought me a necklace that is both very simple and powerful in its message. It simply states FEARLESSNESS. There is something about this necklace that emanates a certain strength when I’m wearing it. For example, when I was being trained at something new at work and I got nervous (typical of me), I found myself unconsciously stroking the necklace with my thumb and feeling the engraved word…FEARLESSNESS.

I’m definitely not fearless. I never have been. I’ve never been edgy or daring. I’ve always stayed inside the box, so to speak, and taking chances has never been a strong point of my personality. I like consistency and routine. However, lately I find myself wanting to break free from that particular mold. I find myself wanting to do different things and not be so confined by my fear. I find myself wanting to experience pure FEARLESSNESS.

However, it seems that want is struck down by my belief that it is just too late. Perhaps I’ve been living this way for so long that I cannot change. I cannot step out from that box. Maybe it’s too late for me to fly. I don’t want to believe that, but the negative part of my brain always tends to override the positive, hence why I often fail before I even try.

It’s a vicious cycle, really. But tonight, there’s a small part of me that truly believes it’s not too late. There’s a small part of me that believes I can still change, I can still grow, I can still fly.

FEARLESSNESS.

Reflections

Today at work, when I wasn't too busy entering stolen vehicles and taking missing persons report, I found myself reflecting on my life and my career path. The past few weeks at work have been a little tough. Not only have I been training in something new for a while, but we had a visitor in the department that conjured up a lot of memories. My former boss, the Forensics Manager of the Police Department, was in Records "shadowing" the Records employees. I am a Records employee. John is no longer the manager of Forensics, but seeing him around the office stirred up a lot of emotions. It was my decision to leave CSI, yet I still feel like I disappointed John. He's always so friendly and cordial to me and it was John, after all, who recommended I stay with the PD and take a transfer. It's just still so entirely hard to know that I had my dream - - was actually living my dream - - but then it turned out not to be my dream at all.



Oh, what a mess. I have an entirely separate blog devoted to my seven month stint as a crime scene investigator and this really isn't the place to rehash these issues. But, like I said, when you're seeing your former boss who you worked crime scenes with, it's hard not to feel like you didn't let him down. Wow- notice how I totally changed tenses there? Talking about myself, then talking about someone else. That proves to me that I still have issues to resolve. And that, my friends, is what therapy is for.

Unfortunately, I haven't been to therapy for quite a while. I need to make an appointment and go back. I know there are a lot of people who don't believe in therapy, but it really does help me. The primary reason I began seeing a therapist was because of my depression over my job. Of course, that opened up an entire journal of my life and I was going to therapy on a pretty regular basis. Then, I guess I just felt like I needed a break. I'm thinking that my break is over and it's time to face the fears and the demons once again.

It will be interesting to see my therapist again. Last time I saw her, I was just starting to work out and exercise. I've lost about six pounds since I saw her last and I think she'll be proud of me. Exercise is turning out to be such a huge thing for me right now. It helps with work stress. It makes me feel so much better. And, of course,the eight pounds I've lost is pretty damn awesome. It's also incredible to see my body changing. To feel my cardiovascular system getting stronger, to see definition in my arms and shoulders. Yea, pretty cool stuff. Of course it's harder than hell, but that's okay. I'm seriously just beginning with working out and I can't wait to see how I look and feel a year from now. That's my goal. I don't want instant results. I realize it's going to take time. So, I'm going to give myself the time and get healthy and fit! Thank you, Jillian Michaels. =)

Sleep is starting to call my name, but I've got a little more to do online before I call it a night. I'll write more soon.

Prop 8 Ruling

Yesterday, a Federal Judge in my home state of California overturned a ban on same sex marriage. This is a huge victory. While I truly *do* respect the opinions of all individuals, when people become violent or mean they immediately lose my respect. Prop 8 is about people. People who just want to love who they love. In my opinion, it really is that simple. People can say what they will about traditional marriage, but the truth is, marriage hasn't been traditional for a very long time. All we have to do is look at the rate of divorce in this country and we should have our answer. People don't respect and appreciate marriage as it should be. I have the utmost respect for couples who have been together for twenty years...even more. Those people obviously believe in what marriage is all about. Marriage is a lifetime commitment and it's work. It's painful. It's hard. But, when you made those vows to your significant other, you made them for LIFE. Everyone should be allowed to get married and same sex couples are no different. Again, it's about love and commitment.

Of course, I may be a bit biased on this ruling; after all, tomorrow is my girlfriend and I's seventh anniversary. It has not been an easy road, nor will it ever be one. Relationships are hard. But, they are also beautiful, wonderful and absolutely fun. I couldn't ask for a better girlfriend and I have been so blessed to share my life with her for the past seven years. Yes, I know...there will always be people who don't agree and I will never understand WHY. We are NO different than you. No different at all. Look at us. Really, look at us.



I hope that the Prop 8 ruling shows that the voters do not have the right in implement discrimination into our state constitution. By allowing us not to marry, they are doing just that. Hell, I don't even know if I *want* to get married, but that's not the point. The point is that we should be able to if we want to and I am so thankful that this judge weighed the evidence and came to the conclusion that he did. After all, we need to move forward in the future, not backwards. This, my friends,is a huge and giant step forward.

And so it begins...

My heart is very heavy. There's entirely too much going on and I'm not sure how to process everything right now. So, I've come to conclude that I need to start writing again. I used to write all the time. I used to keep hand written journals and online blogs. I used to write poetry. Throughout college, my best subject was always English and writing papers was never a dreaded task. However, it seems once I graduated from college in 2005, my writing has severely declined. The truth is, I miss writing. I miss looking back on my thoughts, reading my own words. Writing is therapy. It helps me think, helps me process, helps me partition. I have high hopes for this blog and I want to write as frequently as I can. For a while now, I've been feeling like I am missing something. Maybe writing is the thing that I am missing.

I'm not sure what form, if any, this blog will take. I do know that I will interlace it with photographs because, quite frankly, that is what I do. I am a photographer, first and foremost. Yes, I may have a day job, but if I had my way, I would take photographs for a living. I feel at my best when I have my camera in hand and I'm looking through the lens and trying to get that perfect shot. I've always had this way of thinking in pictures. That's probably why photography is my one true passion. So, expect to find photographs throughout the blog. Hopefully, you will enjoy looking at them as much as I love taking them. Besides photography, I think this blog will be quite a plethora of emotions. I have a deep rooted history of anxiety and depression. There are times when I am okay, but then there are times when I feel like the lowest person on the planet. I want my readers to be prepared for the changes in mood that occur here. If you're looking for something static and uplifting, you might just want to hit that "next blog" button right now. I'm not saying that I won't be writing positive as well, I'm just reiterating that I struggle with certain conditions that make some days extremely difficult. I want this blog to be a kind of sanctuary, a safe place to share those feelings and emotions without feeling judged or embarrassed.

Blogging is actually a very interesting concept. In truth, we are truly exposing ourselves and our emotions to complete strangers. Of course, friends and family will probably read this blog too and that is great, but I find it interesting to think that complete strangers will be reading about my struggles and my victories in life. Oddly enough, I find that somewhat comforting and endearing at the same time.

So, friends and readers, I hope that you enjoy whatever it is that I have to share. Whether it be my thoughts, feelings or photographs, I hope that in some way, my words will make you stop, think, reflect and feel. I believe that we all have something to learn from each other. Thanks for reading.