Reflections

Today at work, when I wasn't too busy entering stolen vehicles and taking missing persons report, I found myself reflecting on my life and my career path. The past few weeks at work have been a little tough. Not only have I been training in something new for a while, but we had a visitor in the department that conjured up a lot of memories. My former boss, the Forensics Manager of the Police Department, was in Records "shadowing" the Records employees. I am a Records employee. John is no longer the manager of Forensics, but seeing him around the office stirred up a lot of emotions. It was my decision to leave CSI, yet I still feel like I disappointed John. He's always so friendly and cordial to me and it was John, after all, who recommended I stay with the PD and take a transfer. It's just still so entirely hard to know that I had my dream - - was actually living my dream - - but then it turned out not to be my dream at all.



Oh, what a mess. I have an entirely separate blog devoted to my seven month stint as a crime scene investigator and this really isn't the place to rehash these issues. But, like I said, when you're seeing your former boss who you worked crime scenes with, it's hard not to feel like you didn't let him down. Wow- notice how I totally changed tenses there? Talking about myself, then talking about someone else. That proves to me that I still have issues to resolve. And that, my friends, is what therapy is for.

Unfortunately, I haven't been to therapy for quite a while. I need to make an appointment and go back. I know there are a lot of people who don't believe in therapy, but it really does help me. The primary reason I began seeing a therapist was because of my depression over my job. Of course, that opened up an entire journal of my life and I was going to therapy on a pretty regular basis. Then, I guess I just felt like I needed a break. I'm thinking that my break is over and it's time to face the fears and the demons once again.

It will be interesting to see my therapist again. Last time I saw her, I was just starting to work out and exercise. I've lost about six pounds since I saw her last and I think she'll be proud of me. Exercise is turning out to be such a huge thing for me right now. It helps with work stress. It makes me feel so much better. And, of course,the eight pounds I've lost is pretty damn awesome. It's also incredible to see my body changing. To feel my cardiovascular system getting stronger, to see definition in my arms and shoulders. Yea, pretty cool stuff. Of course it's harder than hell, but that's okay. I'm seriously just beginning with working out and I can't wait to see how I look and feel a year from now. That's my goal. I don't want instant results. I realize it's going to take time. So, I'm going to give myself the time and get healthy and fit! Thank you, Jillian Michaels. =)

Sleep is starting to call my name, but I've got a little more to do online before I call it a night. I'll write more soon.