Farewell, 2011. Hello, 2012.

I'm sitting here drinking my second cup of coffee and looking at the sunlight spilling in through the window. On my wall, to my right, is a beautiful tribute to Darius and I can't help but keep looking up at his photo. This time of year is hard. It's been almost one year since Darius crossed the Rainbow Bridge and my heart still aches like it was yesterday. Last night, I allowed myself to just cry. I miss him and losing him has left an emptiness within my heart that will never be filled. It's Darius' space and I am okay with that.

I haven't written since January 6th, almost a year. It's baffling to me that it's been so long, but I guess my reasons for not writing were pure avoidance. Writing always makes things real and sometimes, I just don't want thing to be real. Yes, it's called denial. I've been pretty good at that my entire life.

And that's enough about being negative. That's not what this post is about today. It's really about the positives that have come from the negatives and how much difference a year can make in life. Yes, I've had a bad year. Yes, a lot of terrible things have happened. Yes, there's been a lot of grief and pain. But, the truth of the matter is that this year has taught me a lot about strength, perseverance and the triumph of the human spirit. When I thought I couldn't get through it, I did. When I thought I was going to completely break, I didn't. When I thought I couldn't get up anymore, I took that first step. I made myself move forward and not be stuck in sadness.

That's not to say it was at all easy. It was, without a doubt, one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Losing Darius was the first of three very difficult events that took place this year, all within the first three months of the year. Needless to say, I was ready for 2011 to be over before it even began.

Yet, something happened in January, just four days after I lost Darius, that pretty much changed my world. My sister and I decided to attend a cat show, despite my desire to just stay home and cocoon myself in bed. I didn't know how seeing the cats would effect me, nor did I completely trust myself to be at a show, fearing I might come home with a kitten! That didn't happen, of course, but going to the cat show was fate at its best. While there, I saw an amazing cat that caught my eye, an F1 Savannah named Kilimanjaro. I snapped a few photos of him, got his information card from his owners, and enjoyed the rest of the day. I decided to email the photos to his owners and everything just snowballed from that point forward. I was given the most wonderful gift of photographing Kili, but more so,I was given the gift of friendship and love by Kili's wonderful family. Knowing Kili was amazing, but becoming friends with his owners....a blessing I cannot even begin to put into words.

Grief

Words are impossible now. I look at my previous post and I honestly believed that my Dari would be okay. I never suspected he would fail so fast. My heart is shattered. My soul broken. The pain is unlike any other I've ever experienced. My God, how I miss my boy.

7/3/2003-1/4/2011

Darius

It's funny....I just read my previous blog and it brought tears to my eyes. Everything I wrote is so true. Yet, it's so hard to take those thoughts and make them happen. It's been a rough week. We just found out that Darius, our 7 year old silver tabby cat, is diabetic. This news is just devastating and I have to push back tears as I write this. Since Darius' diagnosis (a week ago), I've just been so sad. We've had a diabetic cat before and they are definitely not easy to manage. Plus, Darius is so much younger and stronger. I think he will be okay. Once we get his blood sugars regulated (and I honestly believe this will happen!), I think he will be okay. I'm not plagued with thoughts of him dying from this...I know he can beat this and be healthy. He's a fighter and I love him so much. Yet, having to deal with this is hard because it's bringing back so many memories of our other kitty who eventually passed from the disease. It's just hard...



But, it's not just Darius. I think it's just a little bit of everything right now. Perhaps it's the Holidays. I'm not sure. I'm just sad. I'm depressed and anxious. I haven't worked out in almost three weeks. That's TERRIBLE. I injured myself and that threw me off schedule...and now I've completely fallen off track. While I know I need to start working out again, I just don't have the motivation. I just don't care. I hate when I don't care. :(

So, I'm just trying to push through.

So many dreams, so far out of reach, yet so near. I just need to find my strength again. I know it's there. I think I've just buried myself again...so I guess I need to start digging. More soon.

The Important Things

Sometimes, I think we all forget about the frailty of life. We kiss our loved ones goodbye for the day, expecting them to walk through the door that night. We hang up the phone with our parents, perhaps a bit annoyed, and think we'll just talk to them tomorrow. We put off our dreams because there's not enough time in our day or our lives are just too busy. We depend on tomorrow, next week, next year. We become so adjusted to everyday living that we forget how short life really is and, to me, that's really scary. It's also something that I've been thinking a lot about.

I admit it, I am one of those people. I always say that I will do something "later." I put my dreams on hold. I don't love the way that I should. I don't see my friends as much as I should. I spend entirely too much time alone confined in my own world and not LIVING life as it should be lived.

For as long as I can remember, I've always said that I've been paralyzed by fear. Fear freezes my heart and my mind. Fear prevents me from doing things that I know I should do. Fear immobilizes me and it's entirely frustrating. I went to counseling for about a year, but then put that on hiatus around April of this year. I should probably go back. But, I started feeling like I was just repeating the same things: how, ultimately, I am AFRAID TO LIVE. Of course, the question always came up: "Why are you afraid to live? What is it that you are so afraid of?". The answer to that question always remained the same: "FAILURE."

In my mind, I equate not trying to succeeding when this is totally false. If I don't try then I can't fail, right? That's so wrong! By not trying I am, in a sense, failing.I'm failing to live. Failing to achieve. Failing to dream. So, the question then becomes how do I learn to try without feeling like I will always fail? I still don't know the answer to that question and perhaps it is something that I should explore again.

Lately, it just seems that life has become incredibly scary. Getting older is absolutely petrifying me. The changes I'm seeing are just unreal. And I wonder if I already feel this way, how will I feel in five or ten years? But then I ask myself why am I worrying about *that* now? The future has absolutely no guarantee. The only thing we are guaranteed is the moment- here and now. I think that we, as a whole, forget that. I know that I forget that. So, what does all of this mean for me? How can I make the changes I know I need to make? How can I release some of the fear and reach harder for my dreams? How can I learn to really LIVE my life?

I don't have the answers to those questions, but I am going to start really thinking about the important things in life. I don't want missed opportunities. I don't want to regret not doing something because of fear or finances. Yes, money is always a factor, but I can't be so obsessed with that that it prevents me from something that money cannot buy: a memorable moment that will stay with me for the rest of my life. The truth is, it is those moments that really make us who we are. It is those moments that make us fulfilled and happy. It is those moments that we should strive to feel every single day of our life.

I know people who are so incredibly optimistic. People who have faced challenges that I cannot even begin to imagine, yet their optimism and faith (whatever that may be) never faltered. And you know what? These amazing people are even STRONGER now. I see strength in so many of my friends and I am always in awe of their will to do better, live better, achieve more. I've never been one of those people. I've always been the negative, depressed, pessimistic girl in the room. I don't want to be that girl anymore. I've spend entirely too long being that person. I have improved a lot over the years, but I am nowhere near where I would like to be. I need to find the strength inside the core of my being. It's there somewhere, I know that. It's just waiting to be unleashed, unveiled.

The truth is, there is nothing that I can do about my past. Nothing at all. However, I can do something about my future. I can love better, live more, and learn to cherish every single moment that I am here. Every breath I take is a gift, a true gift,and I want to remember that. I need to remember that. My dreams are always with me and, yes, I need to focus more on my dreams and stop uses excused from my past. Stop worrying about failure by default and TRY.

Today is all we have. This very moment. This very breath. I'm going to do what makes me happy when I can. Work when I need to. Love with all that I am. Focus on my dreams. Smile. And fly.

Here Comes The Rain

Tonight my heart is overflowing with such sadness and I don't know why. Today was just a bad day. Today reminded me of how hard it is to live with depression and anxiety. I've been pretty good lately; in fact, I'd say that the better days definitely out number the bad days and that is amazing. Then a day like today happens and I'm just reminded of everything: guilt, failure to achieve, low confidence, fear. All of those horrible and negative emotions that just squander my spirit and make me feel so incredibly broken. So broken.

I cannot pinpoint a trigger for these feelings, but I had a dream last night that probably didn't help much. I dreamed that I was going back to CSI and I was so nervous about it. I wanted to do it, but the fear was still there. I remember talking to Vanessa on the phone and she was nice and excited to have me back. I remember thinking of how I would have to be trained in so much again and I became so overwhelmed with anxiety. When I work up my entire body was just tense and my breathing was rapid and shallow. I was so happy it was a dream! I don't miss those feelings being there. But I miss so much about the job and that's why it's so hard. Four years ago next month. I can't believe that much time has passed. True, I didn't leave until late 07, but it just feels like yesterday. The feelings are still so raw. So real. So, tonight when I got home, I was thinking about that dream and I just sort of lost it. I cried for the first time in a long while. I can't remember the last time I felt so accomplished. I haven't felt that since then and it hurts and it's sad and I feel like I am just such a disappointment. A disappointment to who? To myself.

In truth, I could write so much about that time in my life, but I don't see the point. I think, right now, it would only bring more pain and disappointment so instead I will focus on something else: my health! So, I got home and cried. Then I gathered myself and made a very conscious decision: I could sit here and cry or I could get up and go work out. So, I laced up my tennis shoes and worked out for an hour. That's not to say that I didn't cry some during the workout,but I did get a lot of those emotions and feelings released. It was a good thing.

So, right now, I'm getting ready to go to sleep. Sleep sounds rather inviting. One more day of work then I have my three days off. Finally. :) And I've got to make my decision about LA soon too. Anyhow. That's really all for now. My eyes just got really heavy.

Here's hoping to good dreams tonight.

Challenges

I had to furlough from work today, but that worked out for the best. Why? Because last night was our first storm of the season and it rained almost all day today. It was so beautiful and refreshing. There is nothing quite like the rain to calm the nerves and soothe the soul. I needed that today.

Things have been pretty good lately! I really can't complain. :) I'm still working out, but I admit, I do go through dips of being very unmotivated. I think that comes from the fact that I am feeling somewhat discouraged. Discouraged because I've definitely hit that plateau and I need to increase my workouts. I'm doing it. Slowly. Tonight I did a great workout. 60 minutes total, 30 on the elliptical and 30 strength training. Felt great when I was done! I so did not want to work out,but I made myself! So glad that I did.

I've decided that I'm going to give myself a personal challenge every month. A challenge that means something to me and it's going to be health/exercise related. For example, this month I decided that I wouldn't have any fast food or soda. It's day 24 and I'm going great! I don't really miss the fast food. I thought that I would go through Taco Bell withdrawals, but I'm doing good! Restaurants didn't count in this challenge, it was purely fast food restaurants (essentially, anything with a drive thru!). The soda challenge has been a little tough, but that's because I enjoy Pepsi. By no means am I a soda addict, but Pepsi is my soda of choice. I don't drink a lot of it anyway (at 150 calories a can, I have to really be craving one!), but I do miss it. I will definitely be drinking a Pepsi on November 1st! It's good to challenge myself like this and one thing I know about myself is that I *won't* give in! I pride myself on my self control. I don't have food issues and for that, I am thankful. Once I put my mind to something, that's usually it!

Not sure what my challenge will be next month, but I'm leaning towards no meat. That one will be hard because I don't eat a lot of meat anyway, but I do eat chicken. I'm thinking this would be a good challenge because it will truly test me and give me an idea of whether or not I might be able to actually become a vegetarian. I'm not totally against the idea....so we'll see.

On a totally different note, we went down to Half Moon Bay last week and got our pumpkins. It was a wonderful time, as always!!! I LOVE Half Moon Bay!




More soon! :)

Fall is in the air...

What a gorgeous morning! I woke up the a beautiful breeze coming through the window and a cuddly cat next to me. Then it was fresh pressed coffee (with pumpkin spice creamer) and a healthy bowl of cereal with fresh berries. I've been steadily working on my photography website and kicking around the idea of making some changes to Faye's website in the future. I've got laundry going and I'm feeling very...content. And you know what? It's a beautiful feeling. Happy Fall!