Here Comes The Rain

Tonight my heart is overflowing with such sadness and I don't know why. Today was just a bad day. Today reminded me of how hard it is to live with depression and anxiety. I've been pretty good lately; in fact, I'd say that the better days definitely out number the bad days and that is amazing. Then a day like today happens and I'm just reminded of everything: guilt, failure to achieve, low confidence, fear. All of those horrible and negative emotions that just squander my spirit and make me feel so incredibly broken. So broken.

I cannot pinpoint a trigger for these feelings, but I had a dream last night that probably didn't help much. I dreamed that I was going back to CSI and I was so nervous about it. I wanted to do it, but the fear was still there. I remember talking to Vanessa on the phone and she was nice and excited to have me back. I remember thinking of how I would have to be trained in so much again and I became so overwhelmed with anxiety. When I work up my entire body was just tense and my breathing was rapid and shallow. I was so happy it was a dream! I don't miss those feelings being there. But I miss so much about the job and that's why it's so hard. Four years ago next month. I can't believe that much time has passed. True, I didn't leave until late 07, but it just feels like yesterday. The feelings are still so raw. So real. So, tonight when I got home, I was thinking about that dream and I just sort of lost it. I cried for the first time in a long while. I can't remember the last time I felt so accomplished. I haven't felt that since then and it hurts and it's sad and I feel like I am just such a disappointment. A disappointment to who? To myself.

In truth, I could write so much about that time in my life, but I don't see the point. I think, right now, it would only bring more pain and disappointment so instead I will focus on something else: my health! So, I got home and cried. Then I gathered myself and made a very conscious decision: I could sit here and cry or I could get up and go work out. So, I laced up my tennis shoes and worked out for an hour. That's not to say that I didn't cry some during the workout,but I did get a lot of those emotions and feelings released. It was a good thing.

So, right now, I'm getting ready to go to sleep. Sleep sounds rather inviting. One more day of work then I have my three days off. Finally. :) And I've got to make my decision about LA soon too. Anyhow. That's really all for now. My eyes just got really heavy.

Here's hoping to good dreams tonight.